I’ve often heard it said that people who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don’t, but I never really know how much of that was fact and how much was myth. It seems fairly clearly to be fact (thanks google).
This is doubly interesting to me. First, because it seems counter-intuitive in many ways. The common argument FOR cohabitation is that you learn a person better by living with them and can know if “you’re compatible”. Obviously that’s not the case, at least, not with a 50% higher divorce rate. I think there are some good common sense reasons why, but I’ll get to those in a second.
The second thing I find interesting is that I see this as validation of a biblical moral and value. It seems that often times there are commands in the bible that are later shown to have been there very obviously for the greater good of those who obeyed it, even if it wasn’t necessarily obvious.
Among the reasons I think cohabitation has a negative effect on actual chance of staying married are:
- There is no such thing as compatible. At least, not in the way people would like. There may be more or less compatible, but I think in many ways, that’s obvious in just a few minutes (at least, it was to me in regards to my wife!). Marriage isn’t about finding someone who’s compatible, so much as it’s about finding someone you’re willing to make a committment with and stick to it, growing closer more through committment than any common interest, or other factor.
- Cohabitation implies a misunderstanding that belies committment. For me to say that I have to live with someone to know if I’m compatible with them means that I’ve fundamentally missed the point about how much of marriage is a conscious choice to love someone.
- Other. I had something on the tip of my tongue and forgot. Doh. Any ideas?
There’s some other interesting marriage statistics if anyone’s interested.
I agree with your points so far, and I find them mostly valid (even in cases where one may have violated said principles, wink wink) but you can’t really start the whole Bible angle unless you want to have kids being betrothed in their early teens and married soon thereafter with little by way of what one would call ‘dating.’ My principal beef with all the religious dating manuals (viz. Not Even A Hint, Kissed Dating Goodbye, etc.) is that while they’re long on the Biblical examples but really deficient in, well, the details of said examples. Like ‘dating’ as it’s commonly practiced being completley nonexistent in Biblical times. Like marrying at 15. Like not having birth control of any kind, so having kids before your 20’s. Like all of that. That is not to say religious instructions on relationships are null and void, but you can’t say with one breath that the Bible demands courtship and then try to ignore all the logistical details. It’s easy to abstain from sexual relations and demand a virgin wife when you marry a 14, 15 year old girl. Not so much when you’re, what’s the mean now, late 20’s?
Left by Dave on August 5th, 2004
It seems there’s at least two different points there. I don’t think the bible demands courtship , so I’d agree that it is not necessary today, but I think you know where I stand on that.
However, the last point about sexual relations I disagree with. Now I’ll have to dig up some more links to see whether this long-standing ‘fact’ I’ve been told is true or not, but I’ve always heard it said that the divorce rate among virgins is incredibly small. So that ~does~ point towards the biblical design of marriage being the healthiest as well. Of course, how you implement that in a culture that is different than the bible was originally intended is difficult. We obviously don’t still follow many of the rabinical (well, most of us anyway) texts as literal law, so most would agree some interpretation is necessary. How much is the question that ends up causing more divisions in Christiandom than anything else. (links pending; I’m late for work…)
Left by Jordan on August 5th, 2004
Update. That same first study I linked to from the CDC makes the following points:
Pre-marital sex is a positive indicator of divorce.
Married couples have higher reported sexual satisfaction. (debunking the ‘but we have to know if we’re ~physically~ compatible’ line)
Of course, not everyone who reads this page knows it, but I wasn’t so dilligent to have maintained the standards that I’m trying to argue here. I still believe they’re a part of the optimal marriage; a marriage as God intended. In fact, I can say that not only does what I read back it up, but what I’ve experienced after my marriage has as well. I am positive that our marriage would have been healthier had we maintained the standards above. Of course, we’re working hard to get it to the same point, but I think it was more of a challenge at first, and may have some ramifications even yet.
Left by Jordan on August 5th, 2004
I always get a kick out of the many, many things that God asks us all to do that seem counter-intuitive at first, but work out for our benefit in the end.
I sometimes get the feeling that God just doesn’t make sense, but I have to remind myself that people were seperated from God and are influenced daily by Satan. So, of course things that are right and true will seem opposite from what we think and feel is right.
Other ideas for why cohabitation has a negative effect on actually staying married –
1. It lessens the enormity of the relationship and sex in the minds of the individuals.
2. It gives instant gratification with lower or no requirement from the individuals’ discipline and commitment.
3. It fosters a lower-level of trust.
4. Waiting to have sex and live together until you are married builds a huge cache of trust. You know that this person loves and desires you with all of their being — just as much as you do in return. You also know that the person has so much self-descipline, intergrity and firmness in her principles that she will not sleep with you despite an overwhelming, all consuming desire to do so. That builds crazy trust. You know that this person won’t cheat on you. You know that this person puts her principles first and her immediate desires take the back seat. You know that this person can endure through a long period of temptation and mixed emotions. You know that you can too. It helps to realize all these things about yourself and your mate, because it gives you reassurances the next time you run into marriage threatening problems. Jealousy and infidelity also becomes nearly a non-issue because you’ll both know that principles are more important to each other than the thrill and pleasure of a fling.
Disclaimer: I am like Jordan too though. I haven’t maintained the standard, but I am now. When I was 16 and 17 I didn’t understand the things that I understand now. Now that I am maintaining this standard I am much happier. It is weird how things are so counter-intuitive like that. Give up what you want most for God and you’ll have something that you didn’t even realize you wanted, which is ultimately something you would have wanted much more had you known more.
Left by David on August 6th, 2004
Hear hear!
Of course we’re only a few months into this, but I can safely say at this point that Katie and I are certainly glad we waited. It made everything that much more special. I agree with David’s ideas, particularly the building of trust…there is much more to marriage than a physical relationship, and showing that you can put those things first is huge.
I also whole-heartedly agree with Jordan on the compatibility aspect…while there are certainly some compatible attributes that can build on each other and make life more interesting, anyone who says they have a good and meaningful long-term relationship without having put a lot of work into it is lying. The “work” doesn’t necessarily have to be a chore, of course, but it is an investment of time…it oftentimes means putting “self” on the back burner, learning how to say “I’m sorry,” and learning how to forgive.
Marriage is not a cakewalk or panacea, it’s more of an enormous opportunity to invest in each other, to support each other, and to accomplish things that would be very difficult to do alone…and like most things in life, the more you are willing to put in, the more you will get out of it.
Left by Joel on August 7th, 2004
Possibly going to be very hypocritical here, in the fact that I’m definately not a strict Christian (or in fact any religion) and also the fact that I’m co-habitting before marriage.
But I think I have to agree with the majority of the points above. I do in a way wished that we’d waited until after marriage but I think that circumstances have made things a little difficult. There’s no way I could afford the kind of marriage I want and I’m not in a place where I want to be married yet. But I guess I was too ‘weak’ to live without all the good stuff that comes with living together.
But I have to say… er, well done… it shows a lot of respect and self-restraint on both you and said wifes part, something this world lacks today.
Does it help that I feel like we’re married?
Left by TheMole on August 8th, 2004
No worries; I’m in the hypocritical bunch myself.
bq. “Of course, not everyone who reads this page knows it, but I wasn’t so dilligent to have maintained the standards that I’m trying to argue here.”
I was mostly good to go with those standards right up until I met my future wife, and we did feel like we were married beforehand as well. I think that part of the background-reasoning behind these good standards is indeed to make sure that you make the right choice and stick with it (ie, living with one person, then living with another and all the baggage that brings), but I think there are some other reasons as well. So we may have been spared some of the potential issues, but not all.
And they do say hindsight is 20/20. Don’t get me wrong, it’s certainly possible to make something work making the mistakes most of us have (I certainly hope so, since we’re trying right now!), I just think that if I had it to do over again being the wiser-older version of myself, I would hopefully do things differently.
David’s lucky in that he gets that chance now, and I wish him the best in it.
Left by Jordan on August 9th, 2004
Good commentary and reasoning. It is sometimes very hard to see the reasons when in the middle of a relationship where it seems like cohabitating would work out well and even be more convenient. I haven’t crossed that boundary or the other but have come awfully close on some occasions. Sleepovers are another matter.
Left by Evan on August 9th, 2004
Am I the only one who sees those relationships as terribly spurious? Religious teaching against pre-marital sex and cohabitation are almost always coupled with teaching against divorce, right? So people that are likely to receive, accept and obey the teaching on what not to do before getting married are also likely to do the same with teaching about what not to do while married. The causality is between religious teaching and (pre-marital sex | cohabitation | divorce), not between on of the three and another.
I’m don’t have the energy to engage in a religious debate, but statistics I can always make time for
Left by John on August 9th, 2004
Your point isn’t quite clear to me John. Are you saying that the religious teaching skew the statistics? If so those religious teachings have then become so embedded in our society as to become almost fact. On the other hand maybe human nature is a certain way and religious teachings alert us to that fact.
Left by Evan on August 10th, 2004
Just found a really good website on the biblical view of sex within marriage. Sorta off-topic, but I think it’s interesting because it presents a view of sex that might be different than what some people are used to being the Christian view, but one I totally agree with (at least with what I’ve read so far on the site; so if you find a page where they recommend animal sacrifice to increase virility, I didn’t see that part)
Left by Jordan on August 12th, 2004
I don’t know if I’m a statistic one way or another so feel free to analyze it anyway your mind works. The summer after I graduated high school I met someone. Two years later, he proposed, we both decided to wait until we were more mature before we got married (at least old enough to drink legally). At 20 we were cohabitating, things were great. At 22, I adopted a large dog, things got challenging, and we got to know each other more deeply. After 2 years of trying to work through things we realized we couldn’t change enough to make things work due to our own beliefs. Six years is longer than some marriages. I’m glad we didn’t wait until marriage, because I can’t imagine going through this as a divorce. I can’t imagine out how I could have figured out it wouldn’t work without having experienced so much with him and getting to know him so well. Sex had nothing to do with why we aren’t right for each other. I don’t think being sexually compatible is an issue, it works as long as you love someone deeply and they love you the same. I don’t think I could feel like I was looking at the entire relationship without having experienced so much of it. The commitment of marriage without such an understanding would have probably lead to a divorce anyway.
Left by Valerie on August 19th, 2004
Valerie, I agree with you that you need to know someone well before you marry them. And not just what they like to do on the weekend, but what their views on parenting are, goals in life, etc. But I don’t think that you need to cohabitate to discover those things. Our society is obviously not good at developing communication skills between two spouses (and how can it when you look at the number of broken homes), but it is possible. There are a lot of good resources pointing out what questions you should be asking.
And I think John was on to something, although I don’t believe it related to the statistics that Jordan pointed out. If you go into marriage without the possibility of divorce, you will spend every day working on your marriage to make it better. There’s more determination and more commitment - you’re not just ‘trying it out’ or ’seeing if it will work.’ You will make it work.
And John, there is a correlation between religious affiliation and the rate of premarital sex, cohabitation and divorce, but that does not exclude the correlation that premarital sex and cohabitation increase divorce rates. I think that is pretty clear in the CDC’s report. Keep in mind it’s correlation, not causation - the report is not saying that cohabitation directly increases divorce rates.
Left by Jaime on August 23rd, 2004