I’ve always liked Reader’s Digest. My grandmother for years would give our family a subscription as a present for christmas, and to tell you the truth, I think it was a much more pleasant gift than most grandparents tend to give. I never outgrew it like I would socks or clothing, and it was definitely more readable than the one time my she tried to get me a book (it was some sort of coffee-table sized book for kids about science) since she knew I liked to read.
My parents, continuing the tradition, bought Jaime and I a subscription, so I guess I’m good to go until my kids get married and I have to buy them one too. Here today for your reading pleasure, one of the ‘top 50 funniest jokes ever’ (hint, the other jokes weren’t very good):
A man visits his doctor after weeks of not feeling well.
“I have bad news,” says the doctor. “You don’t have long to live.”
How long have I got? asks the distraught man.
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
Ten? Ten what? Months, Days?
The doctor interrupts, “Nine …”
Why is it that death jokes never, ever get old?
Left by John on August 21st, 2003
They get old; they just don’t die
Left by David on August 22nd, 2003
The dictor says?
Left by TheMole on August 24th, 2003
Apparently no one else noticed it until now. Whoops. Fixed, thanks.
Left by Jordan on August 24th, 2003
I used to read Reader’s Digest until I realized one day that the writing was designed for people with a 6th grade education who are also senior citizens. I know you have sentimental feelings for the magazine, but it is extremely dumbed down. Plus, I have this “Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of the Bible” that my grandfather had. A condensed version of the Bible! I’m pretty sure that breaks all sorts of canon laws.
Left by Matt on August 26th, 2003
What? You don’t trust the venerable editors of Reader’s Digest to strip the bible down to the parts that are important? I sure do. /sarcasm.
Left by Jordan on August 26th, 2003
Then why should you trust some commitee of stuffy English guys in the rennisance?
Left by Eric on June 26th, 2004
Who says they were stuffy? Some of their translation is quite racy, I’d say. Especially for the time.
Left by Jordan on June 26th, 2004
I am searching for an article called “Breathless” that appeared in the February, 2002. I am told that it relates to my 41 year old diabetic daughter who has been in Intensive Care for 5 weeks. If youknow how I can get the text, please let me know as soon as possible.
Thanks,
Bette
Left by Bette Holeman on July 2nd, 2004
I heard of reader digest from my friend, they say your book are very halirous ilike to hear frome it?
Left by chua sien loo on January 19th, 2005
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96
year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three minutes and no seconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest
savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you
call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail
system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each
occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
( This was written by a 96 year old woman)
Left by eddie cushenberry on February 7th, 2005